3 Lessons I Learned Living with a Bigot

“Every city Hitler took, he planted fruit trees. He NEVER let people starve.”

The flaw in this logic seemed too unbelievably obvious to be pointed out. Yet, when I heard this from my housemate, I made the mistake of trying to. I just couldn’t help it. Needless to say, my challenge fell on deaf ears.

The three months in that share-house were some of the longest of my life. Every single day the house was a war zone of ignorance and all-round bigotry. I still bless the day I packed my bags, collected my bond, and walked out the door.

Believe it or not, I was taught three invaluable life lessons by the biggest bigot I have ever met.

After listening to my troubled housemate, I began to ask deeper questions of both him, and myself. I soon discovered that underneath his feelings were hatred. Anger. Loathing.

But not for immigrants; not for refugees; not for homosexuals, or any other marginalized group for that matter. He hated himself.

Deeply troubled and scarred from feelings of inadequacy, I detected a particular sense of failure that he had never held a white-collar job. Didn’t speak to his mother. Hadn’t bought a house along with the other baby boomers back when houses were affordable. He saw himself as a victim of society. He had drawn the short straw.

It is this emotion that Donald Trump so effectively harnessed in his election; pandering to the inadequacies of the emotionally vulnerable, confused and fearful. His ideas clearly resonated with a lot of people.

Behind most discrimination is fear. Bigots are horribly terrified of the unknown, and deathly afraid of change.

Fear is rarely compatible with happiness. This is why bigots are deeply unhappy people.

For them, threats are EVERYWHERE. Perhaps the new Chinese family that has moved in across the street, or the local convenience store that has been bought out by an Indian family.

Every day my housemate introduced me to a new plague; a new menace to society; a new group of people that needed to be stamped out.

Yet, he had almost ZERO connection with any of the people he discriminated against. He rarely broke his routine of heading to work (where he worked alone) and returning home with a quick stop at the supermarket en route. His evenings were always spent at home in his ‘safe zone’.

Society was a battlefield to him; full of threats to his existence and identity.

When you argue with a bigot, you are using logic to argue with raw emotion.

For every idea you have about the world, there’s probably someone that holds an opposing position. The polar opposite.

Humans have a knack for attracting people who see their logic. Unless you are unlucky or particularly introverted, chances are you have formed around you a network of like-minded individuals. Sure, maybe you have some differences, but when it comes to the important stuff, you see eye-to-eye.

So here’s the thing.

Just as you refuse to accept an opposing and threatening idea (however illogical it may be), the other will likely do the same to you.

It’s raw emotion that fuels these views. By having extreme and controversial views to argue about, bigots find ways to avoid confronting the emotional tempests inside them.

Living with one such opposing individual was my proof. We clashed on every major societal issue I can think of: gender equality, climate change, migration, renewable energy, Islam, LGBT rights…

After several failed (and dramatic) attempts to enlighten my housemate, I learned to accept that some battles aren’t worth fighting.

After having the deepest feelings of loathing for my housemate, I feel strangely indebted to him.

He taught me that at the core of every human being lie the same desires, emotions and motivations: the desires to be loved; to be accepted; to feel safe; to feel connected to people; and to understand people.

I could see that by ignoring these lessons and despising him, the cycle would never be broken.

What bigots desire the most is love; with this they can begin to accept themselves. Everything else will just fuel their hatred.

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